Written while sitting by the sea in Netanya, Israel, on February 24, 2018.

Breathe in…..Breathe out……..

By the sea, my mind calms.   My brain rests.  And I fall asleep.  I want to think great thoughts, but I think of nothing.  I’m in a physical space, not a mental space.  I don’t have to see. I don’t have to speak.  I am the closest I can be to a state of simply being.

I wanted to come by the sea to figure out things — me, the world, my future.  But I sink into a state of being that simply “is.”  Time stops.  Thinking stops.  Worrying stops.  All I know is that I need to be near water – somewhere.

Perhaps this is the high point, the best point — but can it only take place in my imagination?  Or can I let it seep into my bones?  Or imprint it upon my mind?  Or enter it as a loop inside my mind?

I have felt a dip this week – mentally and physically.  The hip muscle I strained is simply a reminder that such things will keep happening until I die.  That’s just the way it goes with aging.

I can’t figure out now whether I will return to Israel again as a visitor, or to live.  I can’t figure out today how I can survive on the money I have left.  I can’t determine if I will be homeless, or go blind with the disease in my right eye, or become a pathetic bag lady, or even if I’ll keep my mind.

My time here is almost two thirds over.  Absolutely, without a doubt, it was worth coming.

I can regret I didn’t get to see my old friend, Bryna, before she unexpectedly died, to really talk, to pin down just why she cared so much about my coming back to Israel 30 years later.  But then, perhaps I wouldn’t have been here for her memorial service and seen how much she had turned her sad life into a happy, fulfilling one in Israel.

I don’t have the money, the physical strength, or the desire to travel within Israel.  But that’s okay because I have been in a kind of heaven by the sea just a 10 minute walk away.  Which is good because my hip and knee aren’t so strong now.

I would like a bright idea to strike me as I sit here — to answer all my questions.  But that most likely won’t happen.

It is Purim next week.  A happy holiday.  A children’s holiday.  And a Jewish holiday celebrated in the whole country.  It’s been a long time since I was in a country where the whole country celebrates a Jewish holiday.

From the Facebook groups I’ve joined  – Keep Olim in Israel and Keep Olim 50+ in Israel – I have read a lot of the good and the bad of living here.  I waited in a line for 4 hours to renew my passport for another 10 years.  I am just as Israeli as I was when I lived here for 6 years in the 1980s, but renewed, and biometrically to boot.

Thoughts have flown through on how to manage to come back again for at least 3 months, but I definitely need to take with me this place by the sea!

Breathe in…..Breathe out……..





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