August 1, 2021

Although I am far from being a gymnast, I, too, connected to how being “lost in the air” might feel.   It is a very descriptive sense of mentally losing one’s bearings that brings a feeling of being lost and unconnected in the world.

Fortunately, some of the world could feel sympathetic recently to gymnast Simone Biles, who has shown her amazing abilities to be one with the air over her years  of flying through it.   Instead of becoming a joke in the Olympics, Simone became a positive example of a very accomplished performer who needed to recognize that something had gone wrong mentally  and she needed to pay attention to what her body was telling her.

I had never heard the term, “lost in the air” before, but it made sense because I, too, had become “lost” within myself during panic attacks some months ago that I couldn’t understand.  I would wake up, realize I was still alive, and feel a sense of doom and gloom  settle over me like a suffocating blanket.  I felt a sense of terror, but no clear understanding of why.

But I knew that wasn’t normal for me.  When it happened several times, I got professional help.   And eventually I understood.   I figured out that the source of my terror and panic was my long dead dear grandmother and my wonderful aunt who had died terrible deaths after long years of being just lumps on a bed with Alzheimer’s.   They were trying to warn me that I was now following that same senseless path to death.

That realization didn’t solve my path to death, but knowing it was my much-loved grandmother and aunt coming from death to warn me of sharing their ugly fate did make the panic attacks immediately stop.   I felt the love we had shared once again  and realized  on a deeper level that we would most likely share the same sad fate.



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